Celebrant Murphy Birdsall

Another Bride's Choice Award

2012-01-19T16:44:00.005-05:00

Isn't this nice - Wedding Wire has given me a New Year's gift! I am honored to be among the top 5% of wedding professionals.
I don't think I'm big-headed in saying that I believe grooms choose me also.
Thank you Wedding Wire.

Ceremony takes you there

2011-09-23T10:12:00.002-04:00

I have once again been thinking about ceremony - what it is, and what it does in our lives.

Ceremony follows a path.
You begin with the leaving of some place (Where were you before this point in your life? Who, and what, lead you here? What are you leaving behind? What are you taking with you?)
--- come to this very moment, the turning point (marrying, for instance), and embrace the change
--- go back out into the community around you with a new view (of where you are, who you are, where you are going and what those people around you mean to you.)

This is why there are so often ceremonial words like bridges, and roads, thresholds - images of running water, shifting sands, and the cycle of seasons. Metaphors give tangible form to the things in our lives that are not so easily identified. And yet we instantly recognize the emotions the symbols represent, when those images are ones that connect with us.

One of the bridges is the music that carries us through our lives. You might hear a song and instantly see and smell leaves falling from red and orange maples. Maybe you think of your mother, laughing with you at some ridiculous moment. Or you hear a distant waft of a flute, or a guitar, and feel the relaxed freedom of a long ago summer's day. It's like water, my metaphorical mind can't help but saying- it's a stream flowing through life, winding its way, carrying its bugs and twigs.

Anything stored in your senses can help accompany you, and ground you, in the moments when you are setting out into new territory. The ceremony becomes yours, tells your story. It marks for those around you, and most wonderfully - for you - the whole person you are.

New York State Joins In

2011-06-28T11:47:00.003-04:00

Well, hooray for New York! Now all adults can get married in The Empire State!!!
(I mean, unless you are too closely related to each other, like first cousins, for instance.)

New Jersey - how about it? Gov. Christie, think of all the $$$ the state is losing to Connecticut and Massachusetts, and now - our next door neighbor! All that wedding money. Isn't that the kind of thing that speaks loudly to you? The legislature is ready - they just need your nod.

Hooray for New York!

Same-sex marriage update

2011-03-01T14:03:00.015-05:00

Just a list - good news continues all the time. The U.S. government is going to stop defending the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). Double defense there, but - put simply - that's good news.

Adding to the list in my January 2010 post of U.S. states that allow same-sex marriage:
Vermont
New Hampshire
Iowa
Massachusetts
Connecticut
we have:
The District of Columbia

California
is in limbo while the courts fight it out.

There are now three states that solemnize (make legal) Civil Unions:
New Jersey
Hawaii
Illinois (on June 1, 2011)
and three states that recognize marriages performed in other states:
Rhode Island
New York
Maryland

Outside the United States, marriages are performed in these countries:
Belgium
South Africa
Spain
Sweden
The Netherlands
Norway
Canada
Argentina
Iceland
Portugal
and in:
Mexico City
Coquille

Several other countries perform Civil Unions.

I think I have it right...

Can You Get Married Without An Officiant?

2010-03-31T10:18:00.001-04:00

This is a continuation of a thread from the letters page of my website. The question interests me, as a Celebrant, both because I like to know about the legalities and because I want to know what specific desire leads someone to ask this question.

Second thought first: Why do you want to get married without an officiant?
I understand the wish to have an intimate ceremony where everyone gathered knows you, brides and grooms. In times past, more people were part of a community that included a religious or cultural or judicial leader, and therefore, that "person of authority" had a history with you and your family. It probably felt comfortable, and also significant, having that learned figure preside over your wedding. Since that situation isn't as common these days, it may be that you yearn for the familiarity. Your aunt, or friend, may be a very gifted celebrator and would seem to be the perfect choice.

It could also be that the two of you feel that your vows to each other are what accomplishes the "marrying" - and who needs an official person to stand there while you say "I give you my hand and my love"; why do they have the authority to proclaim what you have already declared? That self-declaration is the tenet of some faiths, and of other cultural traditions in the past. Hand-fasting was originally the way to declare yourselves married, in Celtic tradition. For a year you remained "attached" to your partner, and at the end of that time, you were married. (I'm not saying you two were literally tied together; rather you proclaimed your tie one day, and 12 months later you were married. Unless you broke the tie.)

It is possible that you feel the fee you would pay to the officiant could be better spend elsewhere, so why not find a way to cut it. That is a poor reason, I say, totally without prejudice.

You may have a reason I haven't suggested. And you are welcomed to suggest it.

Getting down to the nitty gritty, here are some of the legalities, as I know them at this moment. First, understand that marriage laws in the United States are determined by the individual states. Within those laws, localities sometimes have their own specific regulations. Since this is such a vast subject, mired in idiosyncrasies, I know well only the states I officiate in - and though I diligently keep up with this, I do not in any shape or form claim infallibility. Take what you can from this, and investigate further if you need to.

In Connecticut, you do not need the officiant to perform the ceremony, but a legal officiant must be present to witness the marriage and sign the license.
In Pennsylvania, you can apply for a license allowing the two of you to marry yourselves. The most recent news I have read is that you must be a member of a faith (Quakerism, for example) that condones this. I believe this decision is being challenged.
In New York, someone can be ordained for the day, for the purpose of officiating at the wedding. And, at all times, anyone ordained by the Universal Life Church can legally perform a wedding. In New York City, an officiant must be registered with the city clerk. The Universal Life Church ordination is valid in many states, but I can't hand you a list of which ones.
In West Virginia (I now know - getting ready to officiate there), the officiant must be registered with the State.

...to be continued.

Where You Can Get Married, Stella & Rosie/Eugene & David

2010-01-10T11:35:00.011-05:00

So much has happened since I last wrote about same-sex marriage.

Maine made it legal through legislation, and then the electorate voted it down in a referendum in November.

Here in New Jersey, there was a serious attempt to get a bill on the governor's desk before the desk changed from being Governor Corzine's to seating Governor Christie on January 19th, 2010. It has seemingly ended in defeat. (Thank you, Senate President Codey, for putting it to a vote after both branches refused to step up to the plate. The bill lost in the Senate 20-14.) New Jersey remains a place where though same-sex couples can join in Civil Unions, none dare call it marriage.

That same week, Portugal brought a law into the parliament allowing marriage for gay and lesbian couples. It still must be reviewed, voted on in the parliament and signed by the president, but reports sound optimistic.

Here's the current list, I believe:
Vermont
New Hampshire
Iowa
Massachusetts
Connecticut
Belgium
South Africa
Spain
Sweden
The Netherlands
Norway
Canada

This does not include states or countries that offer a Civil Union, or recognize marriages performed in other states or countries.

Always working to extend this human right to all -----Marriage Equality USA

Invitational Tale of Romance

2009-06-18T11:45:00.011-04:00

My friend and colleague, wedding Celebrant Celia Milton (who is writing a book about modern wedding rituals, and there is no one better equipped to do this!) sent me a link to this wonderful wedding invitation. The small size here gives you a glimpse of the layout, but you must follow the link to appreciate the visual, the humor, the creativity and the sheer depth of story that is conveyed in one artistic document. It's brilliant.

Ushers & Runners

2009-05-28T14:06:00.014-04:00

May has been a busy month for me wedding-wise, and so a couple of details are on my mind.

Ushers - they are a good thing. I heartily recommend asking 2 to 4 friends or family members if they would help out at the ceremony. They can:
- provide a bit of guidance when guests arrive at a space
- make sure certain seats are saved for specific guests
- tell inquiring guests if there are or are not "side" preferences
- hand out programs
- define a space, in the event the guests will be standing rather than sitting
Having ushers is a gracious gesture to offer to guests, who often look slightly bewildered when entering a ceremony space.

Aisle Runners - they benefit from some planning. The idea of a long carpet, perhaps strewn with flowers petals, for a spectacular entrance is lovely. The reality is that I have seen too many runners trampled and crumpled before the proper satin-shod toe steps out onto the stretch of fabric. If a runner is laid out before the guests enter, how are the guests supposed to get to their seats - or run over and hug someone they haven't seen in a long time? Ushers can help direct people away from the center aisle, but really...do you want to keep people from greeting each other?

If you are going to include a runner, make it a dramatic moment in the ceremony, having two or more ushers unroll it with a flourish to heighten the tears and the "Aaahhhh!"s for that historic walk down the aisle. And if you actually want flower petals to stylishly adorn the pathway, choose a flower girl/boy who is older than 5. The whole ritual can be quite stunning, creating anticipation for the entrance.

Let your celebrant know that you are going to have a runner. She or he can help you decide how you wish it to be used. It is one of those details that offers an opportunity for a beautiful ritual.

Details, details. They are the nuts and bolts of the occasion.

photo by Sonya Andonov

Playing For Change

2009-05-13T09:21:00.011-04:00

This is why I am a Celebrant.

As I wend my way through life, I see what so many other people see - that anything we can do to find common ground is what we need most of all.

These songs from the Playing For Change folks do it all so enjoyably and clearly. The music is wonderful, the musicians are soulful and our being taken picturesquely around the world opens the airways so that we soar. What a way to convey how life-changing it can be to dance and sing and be joyful!

And how is this like my work as a Celebrant? What I do is help people find a way they can gather together in a harmonious celebration of an important change in their life/lives. I have no qualms speaking the words that someone might shy away from, and I completely enjoy listening to people's stories and seeing the ceremonial form that naturally arises from their particular experiences and desires and outfits. If the persons involved have wishes that seem at odds, I imagine a view in which they complement each other.

I love kaleidoscopes too - the view continually changes
.
This image is from a page on Wayne Schmidt's amazing site

Viva Vermont!

2009-04-07T15:22:00.003-04:00

Holy cow! Vermont legalized same-sex marriage today. What a week this is. Let's keep it going; New Jersey, go ahead - call it marriage!!

Way to go, Iowa!

2009-04-04T15:04:00.003-04:00

DES MOINES — Same-sex couples will be allowed to marry in Iowa by month’s end, after a ruling on Friday by the Iowa Supreme Court that found unconstitutional a state law limiting marriage to a man and a woman.

That's the lead paragraph from today's New York Times. To read the rest of the article click here.

Now if some West Coast state could find its way to join in...

What Does The Officiant Say?

2009-03-23T17:03:00.044-04:00

photo by Sonya Andonov

This is a search phrase that statistics tell me has led people to my website. I'm not sure exactly why but I assume it is because of the thread in my letters archive about marrying without an officiant. I am imagining a person trying to find out what those magic words are that an officiant says to make a marriage valid so that they can bypass me altogether.

Ah, if it were only that easy. If just saying the right combination of words made for a fulfilling ceremony - how easy it would be! But what if it were so simple that people inadvertently got married? If someone was goofing around and said ceremonial words, like, "we gather here together to join Sara and Theodore in matrimony...", and unwittingly the two friends (or even worse, mortal enemies), Sara and Theo were then married! Wouldn't that be a knotty mess!?!

photo by Lauren Rutten

There are plenty of books, and online resources, that spell out how a wedding ceremony might go. But, let me just answer the question personally - this officiant says quite a bit, about marriage, about love, maybe about ancestors, and possibly about the trees or the stars or the moon, about children maybe, about meeting in the rain or liking to have your head massaged - sometimes quite a bit. And that's only me; the couple and those around them say things too. The bride and groom/bride and bride/groom and groom speak words of love and commitment; friends or family members may offer readings or blessings; everyone gathered might declare their intention to support the couple in their vows.

What words marry the two people? All of them. Added to the words, the couple is united by the joining of their hands, the sharing of a cup of wine, the receiving of good wishes, and simply the coming together before the society of family and friends, or within the community of nature.

If you are being ordained for the day to officiate at your friends' wedding, think about what this moment means to them, and to you. Find the words to express that. And speak them clearly, from the heart.

Favorite Wedding Movies - I

2009-03-13T12:08:00.004-04:00

Two of my favorite wedding movies are "The Wedding Singer"and "Four Weddings and A Funeral", plus Rupert Everett's turn in "My Best Friend's Wedding." Singing and dancing, that's what I like.

Of course they often have someone behaving badly toward someone else whom they have supposedly loved. And usually the story has to begin with a preposterously mismatched couple so you know that, in the end, each of the two will be with someone else.

Simon Callow and his vests, Rowan Atkinson and his mumble-mouthed officiating ("In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spigot. Spirit.") - both are jewels in the "4 Weddings & A Funeral" crown. Of course, if you enjoy watching Hugh Grant (and I do) his presence is sufficient without adornment. His character drops his bride at the altar, something I frown on in real life. Better to find your true love before you plan your wedding... Although not the most dramatic movie plot.

Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler make a good couple in "The Wedding Singer", and you know that because he helps her when she throws up. He will love her "in sickness and in health", is what he is suggesting in that scene, "for better or for worse."

And that's what it's all about!

Marriage - What The Heck Is It?

2009-03-05T11:58:00.007-05:00

Okay, I'm not going to definitively answer that question in this one post. In fact, I will probably pose more questions. One of my favorite writers, Dennis Potter, has his character, The Singing Detective, say (and I am totally paraphrasing - though I will correct it when I find the passage...) "They always want stories that are all answers, no questions; I write about life - all questions, no answers."

Defining marriage is a subject that has been bandied about because of gay marriage. There is a need felt by some people for "The Defense of Marriage". DOMA Watch , which supports the preservation of marriage as between a man and a woman, is nevertheless a very clear website with links to updated news regarding the legal status of same-gender marriage in the U.S.

Today's question is, why does marriage need defending?

Is it because it is fragile? Well, that it is. The oft-quoted statistic of around half the marriages in the United States ending in divorce seems to be correct. Marriage is difficult; it requires attention and compassion, and love, and humor and imagination and all sorts of things.

Will it be less fragile if the two people who pledge their love and lives to each other are both female or both male? No. It will be probably be just the same - but who knows? Maybe if we are living in a society where the freedom to legally unite in marriage is open to heterosexuals and homosexuals without distinction between the groups - maybe marriage will be stronger for the model of that widespread acceptance.

Celebrant Ceremonies Presents Wedding Rituals

2009-02-26T13:42:00.024-05:00

I banded together with four classmates whom I met in 2004 while training at the Celebrant USA Foundation, after graduating, to create a friendly group called Celebrant Ceremonies. Our agenda continues to change over the years, but always we have spent time together talking about ceremony, and sharing rituals.

On a beautiful spring-like Sunday, February 8th, we invited the public to attend a sampling of wedding rituals with the gracious participation of two Montclair actors, Erika and Peter Daddabbo. At Amanti Vino, on Church Street in Montclair, Julie Laudicina, Celia Milton, Eve Young and I led the blushing bride and groom (and they were blushing!) through a ring warming, a draping ceremony, a hand fasting, and a wine sharing.

We were very grateful to several Montclair businesses for pitching in to help - with both generosity and creativity. In their newly magnificent space on South Fullerton Avenue, Bangz Salon and Spa pampered and prepared Erika for her pretend wedding, with romantic make up by Chris and a lovely "up-do" to her hair from Shanna. Beth at Ruby on Church Street not only dressed Erika in a creamy chiffon dress and glittering earrings, but also ran the dress next door so Jeff at Accents With Flowers could design a complimentary bouquet of ivory roses and pearls. Nancy at the wonderfully magical shop Parcel, around the corner on Bloomfield Avenue, created a program full of delicate flourishes for our afternoon wedding.

This is just one way we've thought of to explain and demonstrate how we, as Celebrants, use ceremony to mindfully mark turning points in a personal way. It was fun; we hope to do some more of this kind of theater...

Family and friends

2009-02-20T11:00:00.005-05:00

This is a picture of Kat and Tom, a delightful couple, taken by Diana Bezanski, a tremendous photographer. Kat and Tom's family and friends followed their lead to a playful, gorgeous wedding at the Fonthill Museum. During the ceremony, they stood with them, sang for them, encircled them and laughed & cried as the couple got married; here Kat and Tom are showered with joy as they recess.

Your family and friends are probably the most valuable element of your wedding. Even if, say, you elope, the telling of that story cements the moment in the world around you. To share the feelings of joy, or love, or maybe of slight trepidation - binds your life with those you gather around you. It's a huge gift you give, and receive back.

I always love meeting the family and friends of a couple I am marrying. Usually, I have gotten to know the two of them over a period of months, and, at the rehearsal, I see them anew with the people who mean so much to them. A parent may call one of them by a childhood name that I don't know; someone might tease them in a way that indicates longtime and intimate knowledge; or maybe a brother stands off to the side, quietly observing his sibling's big step. Every one of these tiny specifics adds to the story of the wedding of these two people. It's a rich narrative, and something to treasure.

My husband and I have a friend, Silvere, who advised us during our wedding reception to "gather up all the love" that was surrounding us that day, and keep it for whenever we needed it. We did, and we do.

A Backyard Wedding in 1947

2009-02-14T12:58:00.017-05:00

To kick this off, here's a home wedding. It has all the elements I love - friends and family pitch in to make it happen and the gathering is relaxed and joyous.

This is the wedding of my husband's mother and father - Carolyn Joyce Thomas and E. Leon Reamer, held on the lawn of her family's house in Lawnton, Pennsylvania, on the beautiful Sunday afternoon of June 1, 1947.

A family friend, Alberta, made the gown. She and Carolyn rode the bus into Harrisburg to pick out the pattern and fabric. Carolyn's father, O.D., took it upon himself to get a cake and to place blooming irises around the yard. The Methodist minister was a friend and neighbor, and his wife stood beside the couple as a bridesmaid, along with Leon's sister, Peggy. Carolyn's friend, Roberta, played music for the ceremony on a phonograph; it wafted through windows opening over the yard. Roberta's mother arrived on the bus, carrying a huge bowl of fruited jello.

The couple traveled on the train to New York City for their honeymoon. They saw the Broadway musical "Oklahoma!", went to Sardi's and took in the film "The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty."